Before and After

Dear Carter,

Today I wrote you a poem.

 

Before, I was naïve
Complacent and unaware
Of what tragedy may fall
Of the depths of the love I would feel
And the darkness of missing
Your smell
Your cry
Your mouth at my breast

Before, I had sparkly eyes
And common complaints
No sleep
Fussy sometimes
So many diapers
Heavy
Laundry

Before, I dreamed of your future
Basketball or baseball?
Reading, music?
Big like Dad?
Stubborn like Mom?
Saturday morning cuddles
First day of school

After, I am jaded
Certain it will happen again
Aching arms
Echoes of cries
Lost

After, I have hollow eyes
Deep bruises of purple underneath
I would gladly stay up all night
Listen to you cry forever
Change infinity diapers
Carry a thousand pounds
Do endless laundry

If I could have one more minute
To look at your face
To hear your voice
To breathe in your smell

After, I dream of the day
I will see you again
And learn all about you
Maybe brothers or sisters
But so afraid
To feel that hope
To let my eyes sparkle
What if?
What if?
What if?

 

I kiss you.

Love you forever,

Mommy

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