Burning Woman

Dear Carter,

I hate today. Today is the hardest of days for some reason only you and God probably know. I sure can’t figure it out. There’s no significance, no special meaning. It’s just a day. But I woke up pissed off, back in the dark forest, and haven’t been able to find the light today. I’ve looked. It’s not there.

Here are some excerpts from two of the books from the Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer. She’s written how I feel today, and thank her very much because I didn’t have to put forth the effort to try to come up with the words to match how I feel.

The first are from Eclipse, after Edward left Bella, and from Bella’s perspective:

  • I felt the smooth wooden floor beneath my knees, and then the palms of my hands, and then it was pressed against the skin of my cheek. I hoped that I was fainting, but, to my disappointment, I didn’t lose consciousness. The waves of pain that had only lapped at me before now reared high up and washed over my head, pulling me under. I did not resurface.
  • Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches  and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.
  • I wondered how long this could last. Maybe someday, years from now — if the pain would just decrease to the point where I could bear it — I would be able to look back on those few short months that would always be the best of my life. And, if it were possible that the pain would ever soften enough to allow me to do that, I was sure that I would feel grateful for as much time as he’d given me. More than I’d asked for,  more than I deserved. Maybe someday I’d be able to see it that way. But what if this hole never got any better? If the raw edges never healed? If the damage was permanent and irreversible? I held myself tightly together….He could [leave] but that didn’t put things back the way they’d been before I’d met him. The physical evidence was the most insignificant part of the equation. I was changed, my insides altered almost past the point of recognition. Even my outsides looked different — my face sallow, white except for the purple circles the nightmares had left under my eyes.

The next is from Breaking Dawn, told from Jacob’s perspective as he observed Edward’s pain as Bella’s pregnancy nearly killed her:

  • For a second I was just a kid — a kid who had lived all of his life in the same tiny town. Just a child. Because I knew I would have to live a lot more, suffer a lot more, to ever understand the searing agony in Edward’s eyes. He raised a hand as if to wipe sweat from his forehead, but his fingers scraped against his face like they were going to rip his granite skin right off. His black eyes burned in their sockets, out of focus, or seeing things that weren’t there. His mouth opened like he was going to scream, but nothing came out. This was the face a man would have if he were burning at the stake.

And the last, also from Eclipse, and back to Bella’s storytelling:

  • It was a crippling thing, this sensation that a huge hole had been punched through my chest, excising my most vital organs and leaving ragged, unhealed gashes around the edges that continued to throb and bleed despite the passing of time. Rationally, I knew my lungs must still be intact, yet I gasped for air and my head spun like my efforts yielded me nothing. My heart must have been beating, too, but I couldn’t hear the sound of my pulse in my ears; my hands felt blue with cold. I curled inward, hugging my ribs to hold myself together. I scrambled for my numbness, my denial, but it evaded me. And yet, I found I could survive. I was alert, I felt the pain — the aching loss that radiated out from my chest, sending wracking waves of hurt through my limbs and head — but it was manageable. I could live through it. It didn’t feel like the pain had weakened over time, rather that I’d grown strong enough to bear it (emphasis mine).

When I looked in the mirror today, I saw a woman burning at the stake, like Edward. But I also saw a woman who has grown strong enough to bear the pain, like Bella. And I relate to Bella’s fear that the hole will never get better. I also relate to remembering the glorious but far-too-short time with you and the blessings that have come from your much-too-soon leaving. What the quotes don’t reflect is that Bella, Edward, and Jacob got their happy endings here on Earth (well…their fictional version of Earth), and I will have to wait for my happy ending until I see you in Heaven. The hole in my chest won’t be healed until that day.

So I’ll wait. Some days I’ll be more patient than others. Today is not a patient day. Today is a stake-burning day. But even though some days I dont feel like I am, I know in my heart that I am strong enough to bear it. And you, my love, my sweet, sweet boy, are the reason for my strength.

I kiss you.

Love you forever,



One thought on “Burning Woman

  1. I’m so sorry this has been a bad day. I guess we expect to hurt on the special days, and mentally prepare for it. But some just seem to come from nowhere and drag us into the pit. I love you and hope today is better.


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