Just call me Chinook

Dear Carter, Snowplow parents clear away all the obstacles for their kids. Tiger parents place insane demands on theirs. Absent parents are…absent. And then there’s me, the dictionary definition of a helicopter parent. Yep, just like a helicopter, I hover close, circling and looping until I run out of gas. I didn’t picture myself as…

She bang

Dear Carter, Your sister is a FORCE. You know this, you’ve met her. She is fiery and intense and I cant wait to see how she’ll change the world. She’s already changed mine. I wanted to write down her birth story…there’s no way I could ever forget it, but still — for posterity’s sake. I’d…

Confirmation

*Disclaimer: This post discusses mediumship and spirituality outside of traditional Christianity. If you are offended, please stop reading now.* Dear Carter, Hey baby boy! It’s been a long time since I wrote to you. I started a few times, but for some reason the letters never quite took off. But I’ve recently had a few…

Parenting in the aftermath

Dear Carter, Yesterday I found out the paradox of parenting after your baby dies. Your dad was working on teaching your brother how to ride a bike and your sister went outside to hang out, but they were nowhere in sight. She came back inside and asked me “Where’d they go?”, and I could tell…

What I did for love

Dear Carter, A year ago today, Daddy and I made the excruciatingly and agonizingly painful decision to  turn off the machines that were keeping you alive. I’ve wondered so many times over the last year if it was the right thing to do. If it was the best decision we could have made. If we…

525,600 Minutes

Dear Carter, A year has passed since The Day.  The day a phone call shattered my innocence and ripped out my heart. Somehow the world has kept turning. Somehow the sun still rises and sets. Somehow I’m still breathing even though you’re not. I’ve fallen apart about a hundred times today as the flashbacks crashed…

Happy birthday, cousin!

Dear Carter, Today at 7:10 pm, EST, I got a text from your Gigi that your new baby cousin was born. We thought the baby was on the way about 3 weeks ago, but it was a false alarm, so we’ve been anxiously waiting for what seems like forever. Auntie and Uncle didn’t find out…

Fireworks

Dear Carter, Today is July 4th. Today is America’s birthday. Today you would have been 5 months old. Today I was supposed to be taking your monthly pictures and marveling at how much you grew. Today we were supposed to venture downtown to our special spot to watch the fireworks and then go home and…

Before and After

Dear Carter, Today I wrote you a poem.   Before, I was naïve Complacent and unaware Of what tragedy may fall Of the depths of the love I would feel And the darkness of missing Your smell Your cry Your mouth at my breast Before, I had sparkly eyes And common complaints No sleep Fussy…

Dependent

Dear Carter, Yesterday I got a new insurance card in the mail. It didn’t have your name on it, and I just looked at it and let the tears come. I took the old one out of my wallet, the one that listed you as my dependent. I couldn’t throw it away. That word stuck…